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Thread: English funny stories!!

  1. #11
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    While a young man was waiting for a bus at the station he lost his handbag. He came to a police office near there and declared to a policeman:
    -I have just lost a handbag including a lot of money and personal papers.
    -Where did you lose it? (The policeman asked him)
    The young man was upset:
    -If I had known where I lost it, I wouldn’t have talked about it any more!
    --------***----------
    A: You did very well in gambling. You must be from Macao
    B: Pardon? You mean I’m from a cow, don’t you????
    -------***--------
    One Is Enough!
    A young man had a talkative wife that made him very annoyed. One day, his wife said:
    -We have to buy a radio, dear!
    The husband sighed:
    -Well, we already have one and it’s enough, dear.
    ---------***----------
    A Man Or A Worm
    A little son asked his father:
    -Daddy, are you a man or a worm?
    -Hmm, how insolent you are! Why dare you call me a worm?
    -Oh, why does mother call you a “ wine worm”?
    ---------***---------
    Please Cut My Neck
    At a tailor’s, the tailor was measuring the cloth to make a dress for a female customer.
    Customer: “ Please cut my neck deep a little. Two arms up to armpits. And the length, you can cut over or down under the knees, it’s ok.
    ----------***------------
    Yes, Of Course…
    “ Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
    “ Yes, of course…”
    “ Great! I never could before”
    ------***------
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    bài gởi bởi utcung_nhome

    1 THE BUM …

    A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
    "No, sir, I don t drink," retorts the bum.
    "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
    "No way, I don t gamble," answers the bum.
    "You wouldn t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
    "Never," says the bum, "I don t play golf."
    The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man s house, the bum s curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
    "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn t drink, gamble or play golf."
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    bài gởi bởi utcung_nhome

    WHERE’S THE SHOE?

    One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
    The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
    With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
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    GIFT FOR TEACHER
    It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
    The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “ I guess that it’s flowers”. “ How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him,
    The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She took it and said, “ I guess that is some candy”. “ How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed again and thanked him also.
    The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it “ Mmm is it wine?” she asked. “ No”, said the little girl. So she tasted it again. “ Is it champagne?” she asked
    -“Nooo” replied the little girl, “ It’s a puppy”
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    gởi bởi hanoigio

    Vôva writes the English
    What a the pedagogue to catechize You Literature What a the text stanching to be of Vôva and the char breathe with a another pedagogue:

    - I can' t bear float Vôva boy as well.

    - Do It make what schoolboy so?

    - What a the Tale to be the tui there was a in english short The story a article make be who tell the egress, then it to tell the The story about the prince and the princess

    What a thắc that pedagogue to hitch:

    - What Like that possess Zero is Settled?

    The pedagogue is English Literature The reply:

    - Who isn't Settled is this such-and-such make it article: " The prince met the princess and ask: - Can you speak Russian? - Sure!" The Pose be that from which it is write be by the Russian- wide!
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    gởi bởi hanoigio

    The Rise is sooner than heavenly
    What a A married couple to be older be on the age of 80 that still fare welled, the family of the feeding according to the regime and the gymnastics tome habitually. #Pluz unfortunately two the great-grandfather draw his last breath due to a bus accident, the family of heaven rise and be to Pierre Saint yet come to met is continuously pungently rear. What a the Saint Pierre to take two person to kitchen sightseeing gigantically, starch playground the swimming, the sudatorium, golf... Dazzle for the chic reasonword for the home, the great-grandfather he asks the Saint Pierre:

    - Would we be for payment the services?

    - All the uniformization is gratutous, this is the heaven whom. - Pierre Saint is answer.

    To come to the mealtime, what a the Saint Pierre To transfer two great-grandfather to t'ing miraculous victual display table.

    - Is all of this the dishes gratutous equilateral?
    - The Finish nhiên. - Pierre Saint is answer.
    - We can eat freely, the not see about be hesitant to the grease remainder, the way, what a the cholesterin to Fock?
    - Were not I said be the great-grandfather is be above the heaven whomming,. What a the Great-grandfather to can the rantan be freely without be afraid of hyperadiposity the defendant, the glycorrhea or cardiac infarct...
    The face Rice grains nhiên great-grandfather he become difficult red, the rotating is high-rolling the wife yet shoutted at is heavy-timbered:
    - All of be due to the mistake be of the grandmothers! If the non- Crush must I the feeding abstain from the tome gymnastics and period, I is mountted be here for the morning more than 10 five!
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    gởi bởi utcung_nhome

    THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU

    Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
    Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
    "Joel," she said, "I don t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
    "Don t worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they ll buy curtains."

    HÀNG XÓM KHÔNG THỂ NHÌN THẤY EM ĐƯỢC
    Đã cưới nhau mười năm nhưng vẫn sống trong một căn hộ, người vợ thường phàn nàn đủ thứ vì cô ta mệt mỏi về việc tiết kiệm tứng xu để mua một “ngôi nhà mơ ước”.
    Với cố gắng an ủi vợ, người chồng tìm một căn hộ mới hợp túi tiền của họ. Tuy vậy, sau tuần lễ đầu, người vợ lại bắt đầu phàn nàn.
    “Joel,” cô ta nói, “em không thích nơi này tí nào. Không có tấm màn nào trong phòng tắm. Hàng xóm có thể thấy em khi em tắm.”
    “Đừng lo,” chồng trả lời. Nếu quả thực hàng xóm thấy em, họ sẽ mua màn.”
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    gởi bởi utcung_nhome

    DUMMY HUSBAND

    A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
    "I d love to be six again," she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M s. What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
    One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."
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    gởi bởi hanoigio

    what are four basic elements in the nature?

    The teacher asked:
    - John, what are four basic elements in the nature? John answered:
    - Teacher, fire, air, soil and ... and...
    - And what? Try to remember!
    - And... And... And...
    The teacher knew that his pupil couldn\'t tell the fourth element that is water. Therefore, he gave a hint:
    - What do you clean your hands by?
    John replied:
    - Teacher, soap!
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    gởi bởi hanoigio

    My English is very bad, so I’m to enjoy topic studies English by funny stories English.
    I hope is everyone collaborate and help me.

    Are you OK?
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